Tuesday, January 11, 2011

when the deep, deep love is really all you need

Eight bedrooms, in eight different houses, in 53 days... and today, Day 54, having just arrived in our ninth environment, bedtime is finally a wall that we hit head-on. Can't find the shampoo-- grab mine. Can't find the toothbrushes-- just forget it tonight (never mind the chocolate cake we had for dinner). The boys absolutely refuse to settle down to sleep unless I stay in the room with them. And I am frustrated. Tired. Impatient. Ready to get to all my projects. My mind jumps ahead to my list of administrative tasks, I am not staying in the moment-- not even aware of any moments at all, everything is a blur of snotty noses, tired bodies and restless hearts.

Every time I crack the door to leave, Ben cries and lifts his head. Will refuses to stay on his bed. And so I stay.

I stay.

I put a pillow down on the carpet, stretch myself out, and stay.

And I sing. The first thing that pops into my head. Lilting, calming...

:O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
vast, unmeasured, boundless, free,
rolling as a mighty ocean
in its fullness over me...

Will pops his head up-- "Mommy, I can't see you singing."

"Shhhh, Will, lie down, go to sleep."

Underneath me, all around me
is the current of Thy love

Ben sits up for the twentieth time, cries out, I press him down gently, stroke his back. Thumb goes back in mouth, he finds his blanket.

leading onward, leading homeward
to Thy glorious rest above.

Ben is lying down now, sucking his thumb, sniffling back his oncoming cold, cuddling his blanket. Trying. I can feel his little emotions subside, his heart settling.

My emotions swell. I start another verse.

:O the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Spread His praise from shore to shore...

That's what we're doing, my babies, that's why we sleep in all these different rooms around the world...

How He loveth, ever loveth,
changeth never, nevermore...

And that's how we manage, precious ones. We rest in His love. We sense Him, His never changing, Him with us in each space, lying on the carpet next to our beds, singing us to sleep.

How He watches o'er His loved ones,
died to call them all His own;
how for them he intercedeth,
watcheth o'er them from His throne.

Ben's breathing is slowing, steadier. He's making his adorable piglet thumb-sucking noises. Will is cuddling his dog, his body quiet. I hum the last verse as softly as I can.

:O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
love of every love the best!
Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
tis a haven deep of rest...

Rest, children, rest in Jesus' love. Rest in His constancy, His never-ending steadiness, His suredness, sure as every dawn. He is your morning star. He is your sun, and your moon. Make Him your home, your treasure, your all.

I quietly crawl to the door and leave the room humming...

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, tis a heaven of heavens to me,
and it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee...

#152-160 of the endless gifts:

-great hymns of the faith

-my humanness, which allows me to sing

-the sound of the small, quiet breathing of my children

-the full quietness of the house after crying melts into sleep

-an evening to myself

-internet, and inspiration to post

-the constancy of Christ

-His gift of the privilege of being His comfort to my children

-His gift of a life of sharing His comfort with His lost children around the world


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