Tuesday, September 9, 2008

collecting my thoughts

I feel really out of practice.  Apart from the fact that I don't think anyone is actually reading this blog (aside from perhaps my Mom), I'm discouraged by the fact I haven't actually composed anything for anyone else to read in a long time.  College days are dimly in the past, and my journalling is mostly for survival with a chance creative phrase thrown in... I definitely don't feel educated or literate or articulate anymore.  Well, no time like the present to start practicing again-- and practice makes, as they say... 

Another problem is the fact that my perfectionism wants this blog to look perfect before I start really using it, but I can't seem to find the time to figure out how to make it look the way I want-- and who cares, anyway?  I don't want this to turn into a pity party for a witless person who hasn't spent the time to get to know cyber space-- and yet I do feel a bit forlorn at the thought of all the catching up I have to do-- at the tender age of 26!  Why do I already feel the technological age has left me far behind?  I have only vague ideas of how to use youtube or myspace or that other thing-- facebook-- and I'm not actually making the time to learn more.  What am I doing with my time?  Not emailing as many people as I'd like, that's for sure... not making phone calls to people I've neglected... not even spending as much time with my sweet little boy as I'd like... where does my time go?  Into reading Elizabeth Goudge novels?  Isn't that a terrible waste?  Am I really that desperate to escape from my own reality?  

This is supposed to be a family blog.  What am I doing?  Ranting just to rant, to feel I've done something with my evening, I've contributed something to the cyber world of updates... and this isn't even really an update.  ::sigh::  

Ok, so the Family Update is: The Broughtons are taking a trip.  A seemingly crazy but supposedly necessary trip.  And hopefully enjoyable as well.  We are leaving (if all goes well with visa applications) next Saturday, flying halfway around the world with our 9 month old, and then I'm going to tackle 40 boxes of Stuff by myself-- get rid of half of it (hopefully), send some of it "home" to New Zealand, and send the rest across the border to our new home.  (Home.  Gee, what a relative word.  That's a whole post by itself. )  

Am I nervous about the trip?  Yes, if I think too much.  Am I scared?  Yes, well, sort of-- actually, not anymore.  Do I think I can do this?  Yes, if God helps me every step of the way.  No, if I haven't slept well the night before or if it's very late at night.  Am I just being modest and deep down I know I'm a capable person who will love to rise to the challenge?  Well, yes, actually.  So why don't I just be honest about that?  Well, because it doesn't feel right for a woman to feel ok about taking a trip halfway around the world with her 9 month old in tow to sort a bunch of boxes and say goodbye all by herself... but why doesn't it feel right?  It most certainly is ok, if the woman is relying on Jesus and not herself.  The proverbial bottom line.

Hmmm.  Not a lot of thought collecting here... a lot of external processing, though.  If anyone is actually reading this still, I think there will be more to come, and hopefully practice will make-- if not perfect, at least improved.


  1. Just wanted to let you know I did indeed read all the way to the end and enjoyed following you mind down its many winding paths. And you won't be sorting thourgh the boxes all by yourself, that is what friends are for. See you soon.

  2. Hiya - FYI I am your avid blog reader in addition to your Mom!
    I know things seem very 'up' at the mo and totally ungrounded in reality but the true reality is that grace carries you always - and that is all you need.
    Keep collecting your thoughts and 'living the question' - how else will they get answered?
    Much love always
    Bri xxx

  3. Hello dear Carolyn,
    Ah, but there are people reading your thoughts, including this woman who has taken many trips by herself around the world (admittedly without a nine-month year old baby)! You can do this, with God's help, of course... Actually, I am writing this at 5am because I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, which I must do because I teach this morning. But anyway, reading your thoughts about perfectionism made me smile as that is one of the current capstone discussions...some things never change. :) I love you and will pray for your trip.

  4. Yes sweet friend, I to read your wonderful thoughts, and can almost hear you saying the words, processing out loud to me like you have done so many times in the past. I have found that perfectionism must be thrown out when you become a mom, but it is so worth it!