Tonight I felt absolutely thwarted. I simply could not get our little blue USB Internet plug-in set-up to work (I can’t get on my blog via our dial-up connection; for some Central Asian reason, Blogger is blocked in our country of residence… don’t ask.) I haven’t blogged in about a month, although I conscientiously have 3 solid posts including pictures waiting in the line-up… and I’m really desiring to get on a roll more with my blog, write more intentionally, hone my skills, link more, etc…
On top of all this, I couldn’t even get dial-up to download the 80+ emails waiting for me after a week away… ::big sigh::
Thwarted. Another part of the sadness-root. Feeling thwarted in the areas I most want to be growing: music (especially writing and recording), and writing (especially my blog). Why would God call me to further these things and hone my skills, and then thwart my efforts? Why does everything have to be an uphill battle?
I stormed to the kitchen and began sloshing things around, slamming greasy dishes in the sink, resenting the fact that I had to clean up dinner as well as cook it. Then I remembered phrases from a post Lisa-Jo wrote, about her best prayer time happening while washing dishes… so in desperation I grabbed my Colossians-in-a-Year verse cards and stuck them in front of my nose while I scrubbed chicken fat out of my baking pan.
“They have lost connection with the head,
from whom the whole body,
supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews,
grows as God causes it to grow.”
“lost connection with the Head,” Yep, that would be me…. Definitely not practicing the presence of God today; that explains a few things.
“grows as God causes it to grow.” I paused and mulled that one over a while, scrubbing silverware under the hot water… could it be that God is actually growing me? Even though it feels like I’m sliding backwards instead of stepping forwards? Even when I feel like I’m constantly revisiting the same besetting sins and never growing more thankful, or patient, or gracious, or self-controlled, or joyful? Could he actually be growing me?
And then that middle part: “the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews...” Am I trying to do this growing thing on my own? Am I being vulnerable with the bits of the Body closest to me? My wonderful patient husband, for example - am I shutting him out? And what about my workmates here? I have a chance tomorrow morning at my weekly prayer time with the mom closest to me geographically - a chance to be vulnerable and honest, or to put on a mask and pretend everything’s fine. What would “support and hold us together like ligaments and sinews”? What will I choose to do?
What would you do?